Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
Friday, October 13, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Little Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags,
one in each hand.
There’s a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of
it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can find
some of them. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you
steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into
my flower beds!” So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: ‘$20 or off
it comes!’ ”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “Good luck!” By the way, what’s in the
other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “Not all of them pay.”
one in each hand.
There’s a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of
it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can find
some of them. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you
steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into
my flower beds!” So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: ‘$20 or off
it comes!’ ”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “Good luck!” By the way, what’s in the
other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “Not all of them pay.”
Laws of Physics
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Laws of Physics
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.
Little Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags,
one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of
it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find
some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you
steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into
my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off
it comes!' "
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the
other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of
it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find
some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you
steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into
my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off
it comes!' "
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the
other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Lawyer and Witness worst encounter…
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the worst answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs.Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you since you were a young boy,and frankly,you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. ”
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
“Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy,bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife.Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you bast…s asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt.”
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs.Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you since you were a young boy,and frankly,you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. ”
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
“Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy,bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife.Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you bast…s asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt.”
Twenty Five Years of Marriage
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
Few Jokes…
Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupaya de do.
Saheb: Kal aana.
Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere lakhon rupaye fase huye hain.
Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.
1980 girls: Maa mei Jeans pehanungi
Maa : Nahin beti log kya kahengey ?
2006 girls: Maa mein mini skirt pehanungi
Maa: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!
Similarity between Gandhiji & Mallika?
Dono ne kapde tyag diye, ek ne desh ke liye, doosre ne Deshwasion ke liye!
What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!
Saheb: Kal aana.
Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere lakhon rupaye fase huye hain.
Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.
1980 girls: Maa mei Jeans pehanungi
Maa : Nahin beti log kya kahengey ?
2006 girls: Maa mein mini skirt pehanungi
Maa: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!
Similarity between Gandhiji & Mallika?
Dono ne kapde tyag diye, ek ne desh ke liye, doosre ne Deshwasion ke liye!
What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!
Gun or a Wife, Top 10 Reasons
Tenth Reason
You can trade an old .44 for a new .22
Ninth Reason
You can keep one gun at home and have another for when…. you’re on the road.
Eighth reason
If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
Seventh reason
Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
Sixth reason
Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
Fifth reason
A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
Fourth reason
Guns function normally every day of the month.
Third reason
A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
Second reason
A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
First and the most compelling reason
You can buy a silencer for a Gun!
You can trade an old .44 for a new .22
Ninth Reason
You can keep one gun at home and have another for when…. you’re on the road.
Eighth reason
If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
Seventh reason
Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
Sixth reason
Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
Fifth reason
A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
Fourth reason
Guns function normally every day of the month.
Third reason
A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
Second reason
A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
First and the most compelling reason
You can buy a silencer for a Gun!
Things That are Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
– Indubitably
– Innovative
– Preliminary
– Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
– Specificity
– British
– Constitution
– Passive-aggressive disorder
– Loquacious
– Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
– Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
– Nope, no more booze for me
– Sorry, but you’re not really my type
– Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight
– Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing
– Indubitably
– Innovative
– Preliminary
– Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
– Specificity
– British
– Constitution
– Passive-aggressive disorder
– Loquacious
– Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
– Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
– Nope, no more booze for me
– Sorry, but you’re not really my type
– Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight
– Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing
Stand Still Soldier
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
“You simpleton!” the officer barked. “Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”
“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically. “But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it.”
“You simpleton!” the officer barked. “Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”
“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically. “But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it.”
Push Ups
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn’t drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, “Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home.”
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn’t drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, “Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home.”
The 12 Priests
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell…
Then all the other bells started to ring.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell…
Then all the other bells started to ring.
Mothers Milk
Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was:
“Name seven advantages of mother’s milk.”
The student in question had also partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck.
Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in cute containers.
He was the only student to ace the exam.
“Name seven advantages of mother’s milk.”
The student in question had also partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck.
Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in cute containers.
He was the only student to ace the exam.
Peg after Peg
Read carefully & slowly to enjoy it! :-)
I never take risk while drinking
When I cum from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk
I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: Any news on chopra’s daughter’s marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn’t seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don’t make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: But still I think chopra’s daughter’s age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old… like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh…
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard’s place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj’s photo & keep it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue…!
Wife: Don’t just blabber something, go out and sit quietly…
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face…
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
chopra is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???
I never take risk while drinking
When I cum from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk
I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: Any news on chopra’s daughter’s marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn’t seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don’t make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: But still I think chopra’s daughter’s age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old… like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh…
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard’s place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj’s photo & keep it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue…!
Wife: Don’t just blabber something, go out and sit quietly…
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face…
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
chopra is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, “Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?”
“No,” the colonel said, “just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
The colonel’s short reply was, “Yes, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself.”
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
The colonel looked at her and replied, “1955.”
She said, “Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn’t that a little extreme?”
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s only 2130 now!”
“No,” the colonel said, “just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
The colonel’s short reply was, “Yes, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself.”
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
The colonel looked at her and replied, “1955.”
She said, “Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn’t that a little extreme?”
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s only 2130 now!”
School Punishments
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny,Pat?”
“I just saw one of your garters!”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“I just saw both of your garters!”
Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.
“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”
“I just saw one of your garters!”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“I just saw both of your garters!”
Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.
“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”
Stranded on a Desert Island
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!”
“What’s the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. ‘”We weren’t making love.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.” Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, “By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”
“What’s the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. ‘”We weren’t making love.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.” Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, “By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”
Late Night
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. “You can’t make any noise,” she warned him. “My parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us.”
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. “I have to go,” he said.
“Well you can’t go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replied. “Use the kitchen sink.”
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, “Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?”
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. “I have to go,” he said.
“Well you can’t go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replied. “Use the kitchen sink.”
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, “Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?”
Smart Johnny
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Eddie Murphy, see ya on Tuesday!”
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Eddie Murphy, see ya on Tuesday!”
Christ in the Bathroom
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”
Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”
Crazy Airline
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean. Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there’s the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don’t panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean.
Please wear your life vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like you, to follow everything I’m going to say, repeat after me:
“Our Father Who are in Heaven……….”
Please wear your life vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like you, to follow everything I’m going to say, repeat after me:
“Our Father Who are in Heaven……….”
How to clear your doubts about layoff?
Read this, it will tell you how to clear a lot of u’r doubts about getting layed off…
A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store owner listened to the following conversation.
The boy said, “Lady, I want to cut your lawn”.
The woman replied, “I already have someone to cut my lawn”.
“Lady I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.” The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy found more perseverance and offered, “Lady, I’ll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North Palm Beach,Florida.”
Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The druggist walked over to the boy and said, “Son I like your attitude, I like that positive spirit. Son, I would like to offer you a job. ” The little boy replied, “No thanks, I was just checking on the job I already have.”
What are you waiting for? lift that phone and ring up your manager…
A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store owner listened to the following conversation.
The boy said, “Lady, I want to cut your lawn”.
The woman replied, “I already have someone to cut my lawn”.
“Lady I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.” The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy found more perseverance and offered, “Lady, I’ll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North Palm Beach,Florida.”
Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The druggist walked over to the boy and said, “Son I like your attitude, I like that positive spirit. Son, I would like to offer you a job. ” The little boy replied, “No thanks, I was just checking on the job I already have.”
What are you waiting for? lift that phone and ring up your manager…
Ride up to the monastery…
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered casually, “Whenever it breaks.”
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered casually, “Whenever it breaks.”
A tap on the back!
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
“Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
“Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years.
First Hot Dog
Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
DNA Good News and Bad News
“I have good news and bad news,” a defense attorney told his client.
“First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim’s dress.”
“Oh, no - I’m ruined!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is down to 140!”
“First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim’s dress.”
“Oh, no - I’m ruined!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is down to 140!”
Blind Skydiving
Bill, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white can and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bill struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man’s courage. Then, curious, he asked, “How do you know when the ground is getting close?”
“Easy,” replied the blind man. “The leash goes slack.”
“Easy,” replied the blind man. “The leash goes slack.”
Garden of Hedon
As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked “Registration” and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.
“Exactly what do you do here?” he asked.
“It’s quite simple,” said the receptionist. “This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.”
“Cool,” said the guy, “count me in!” So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, “Beware of Gays.” A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: “Beware of Gays.”
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, “Sorry, you’ve had two warnings!”
“Exactly what do you do here?” he asked.
“It’s quite simple,” said the receptionist. “This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.”
“Cool,” said the guy, “count me in!” So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, “Beware of Gays.” A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: “Beware of Gays.”
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, “Sorry, you’ve had two warnings!”
Ashes to Ashes
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, “My Ryan loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.”
The second man said, “My Ross was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”
The third man said, “My Jack was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”
The first man said, “My Ryan loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.”
The second man said, “My Ross was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”
The third man said, “My Jack was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”
Half Sister
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you.” “Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hehehe,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hehehe,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
A Blonde’s Dream
One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said “Pull”
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said “Pull”
Potentially Vs Reality
Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.
“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned.”
Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”
Then he goes to his sister’s room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
His sister looks up and says, “Omigod! Definitely!”
Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, “Well, what did you learn?”
Little Johnny says, “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we’re sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we’re living with a couple of whores.”
“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned.”
Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”
Then he goes to his sister’s room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
His sister looks up and says, “Omigod! Definitely!”
Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, “Well, what did you learn?”
Little Johnny says, “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we’re sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we’re living with a couple of whores.”
Just a Weeee Bit
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning ,gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.”
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
“Well,”the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.”
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
“Well,” explained the Redneck…
“She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell… pregnant when you met her.”
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning ,gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.”
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
“Well,”the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.”
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
“Well,” explained the Redneck…
“She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell… pregnant when you met her.”
Coke
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place”
That should have worked,” said the friend. The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place”
That should have worked,” said the friend. The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…”
Blood Lines
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me… in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman said, “Very sporting of your mother.”
“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me… in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman said, “Very sporting of your mother.”
FAA Test
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn’t break, it’s likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
12 Year Old Bottle of Scotch
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?” The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE PISS.”
To which the old drunk replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?” The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE PISS.”
To which the old drunk replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”
The Kissing Family
One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy felt like kissing her. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her “Honey, would you give me a kiss?”
Horrified, she replied, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” He asked grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”.
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”
“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”.
“Oh yes you can. Please?”………………..
“No, no. I just can’t”
“I’m begging you .. ”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl’s older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it.
Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, or any one else in the family, but for God’s sake and all of ours…”
“TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!”
Horrified, she replied, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” He asked grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”.
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”
“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”.
“Oh yes you can. Please?”………………..
“No, no. I just can’t”
“I’m begging you .. ”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl’s older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it.
Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, or any one else in the family, but for God’s sake and all of ours…”
“TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!”
Famous Ganpat
Ganpat is a Maharashtrian…! Ganpat was bragging to his boss one day,
“You know,I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK,Ganpat how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Ganpat and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom cruise shouts,”Ganu! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join! me for lunch!”.
Although impressed, Ganpat’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Ganpat that he thinks Ganpat’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else”,Ganpat says. “President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Ganpat says, “I know him, let’s fly Out to Washington.” And off they go. At the WhiteHouse, Clinton spots Ganpat on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Ganu, what a surprise, I! was just on my way to a meeting, but you and yourfriend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ganpat who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,”his boss replies. “Sure!” says Ganpat. “I have a lot of friends in Poland, and I’ve known the Pope along time.” So off they fly to Rome. Ganpat and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ganpat says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope. So he disappears into the crowd,headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Ganpat emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Ganpat returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramed! ics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Ganpat asks him, what happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on
the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Ganpat?
“You know,I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK,Ganpat how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Ganpat and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom cruise shouts,”Ganu! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join! me for lunch!”.
Although impressed, Ganpat’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Ganpat that he thinks Ganpat’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else”,Ganpat says. “President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Ganpat says, “I know him, let’s fly Out to Washington.” And off they go. At the WhiteHouse, Clinton spots Ganpat on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Ganu, what a surprise, I! was just on my way to a meeting, but you and yourfriend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ganpat who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,”his boss replies. “Sure!” says Ganpat. “I have a lot of friends in Poland, and I’ve known the Pope along time.” So off they fly to Rome. Ganpat and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ganpat says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope. So he disappears into the crowd,headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Ganpat emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Ganpat returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramed! ics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Ganpat asks him, what happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on
the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Ganpat?
Fire Truck
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire
department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the
truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1,000. A
local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That should be obvious,” he responded, “the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”
department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the
truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1,000. A
local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That should be obvious,” he responded, “the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”
Fly Gender
I stopped at a friend’s house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly swatter.
When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered, “Yeah, three males and two females.”
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference?
He answered, “Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”
When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered, “Yeah, three males and two females.”
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference?
He answered, “Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”
Don’t Bug Me!!!
When I was younger I hated going to weddings… It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, You’re next.
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Mother-In-Law
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked “Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?”
The man said, “A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that chance!”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked “Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?”
The man said, “A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that chance!”
Dramatic Shots
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: “There’s a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some
good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don’t worry about the expense.”
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot:
“Let’s go, take off”.
As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: “See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can”.
Incredulous, the pilot says: “You want me to fly over that fire?”
“Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that’s why I am here–to take dramatic shots of the fire!”
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says: “You’re not the flight instructor?”
good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don’t worry about the expense.”
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot:
“Let’s go, take off”.
As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: “See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can”.
Incredulous, the pilot says: “You want me to fly over that fire?”
“Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that’s why I am here–to take dramatic shots of the fire!”
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says: “You’re not the flight instructor?”
In Sweden
An American soldier is on duty in Sweden, where he takes a Swedish gal out to the movies.
They settle in, start some light petting, and the American says, “In America, we call this hamburger.”
The gal says, “Yah, yah, vee call dis hamburger in Svedin, too.”
The movie continues, and they go a little further. The American says, “Now, in America, we call this pastrami.”
The gal says, “Yah, yah, vee call dis pastrami in Svedin, too.”
They decide to leave the movie and go park the car. They get in the back seat and really go at it.
Afterward, the American says, “In America, we call this a sandwich.”
The gal says, “Yah, yah, vee call dis a sandvich in Svedin, too. Only we put a little more meat in it.”
They settle in, start some light petting, and the American says, “In America, we call this hamburger.”
The gal says, “Yah, yah, vee call dis hamburger in Svedin, too.”
The movie continues, and they go a little further. The American says, “Now, in America, we call this pastrami.”
The gal says, “Yah, yah, vee call dis pastrami in Svedin, too.”
They decide to leave the movie and go park the car. They get in the back seat and really go at it.
Afterward, the American says, “In America, we call this a sandwich.”
The gal says, “Yah, yah, vee call dis a sandvich in Svedin, too. Only we put a little more meat in it.”
Anger Management
Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush…
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush…
Little Cussing Johnny
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.”
Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
“I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage.”
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “What did Santa bring you this year?”
Johnny replied, “I think I got a dog, but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!”
The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.”
Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
“I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage.”
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “What did Santa bring you this year?”
Johnny replied, “I think I got a dog, but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!”
Screwing up a Business
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”
“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied “Yes.”
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”
“Certainly sir,”replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy. “4 cents”, he replies.
“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the Guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”
“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied “Yes.”
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”
“Certainly sir,”replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy. “4 cents”, he replies.
“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the Guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”
Birds, Bees, and Planes
A mother and her son were flying “Southwest Airlines” from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.”
Seducing a Barman
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the Manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face now with both hands. Actually, no” he replies. “Can you get him for me -I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and his full head of hair. “I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman - clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, “Tell him,… that there,…is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, “Tell him,… that there,…is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
History’s Worst Typo
A new young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing “We forgot the “R”, We forgot the “R” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate.” “The word is celebRate.”
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing “We forgot the “R”, We forgot the “R” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate.” “The word is celebRate.”
Weighing Machine
A gal checked her weight on a coin machine - 58 Kg.
Removed Sandal - 56 Kg.
Then Jacket - 53 Kg.
Then Dupatta - 52 Kg.
Then… coins khatam…
A boy in queue behind her said - U carry on.. I’ll put the coins!!
Removed Sandal - 56 Kg.
Then Jacket - 53 Kg.
Then Dupatta - 52 Kg.
Then… coins khatam…
A boy in queue behind her said - U carry on.. I’ll put the coins!!
Children Group Photo
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s dead.”
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s dead.”
Man’s Best Friend?
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, “That’s a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?”
So the man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life.”
The bartender says. “Well, that’s great. But why does he have a wooden leg?”
The man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life.”
The bartender says, “That’s really terrific, but why the wooden leg?”
The man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life.”
And finally the bartender says,”Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?”
The man says, “When you have a pig this special you can’t eat all of it at once.”
So the man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life.”
The bartender says. “Well, that’s great. But why does he have a wooden leg?”
The man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life.”
The bartender says, “That’s really terrific, but why the wooden leg?”
The man says, “Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life.”
And finally the bartender says,”Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?”
The man says, “When you have a pig this special you can’t eat all of it at once.”
The Confessional Box
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either”.
Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Airport Security
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. “Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?”
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?”
Texan Couple in Paris
A Texan couple were arguing while touring in Paris.
They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived, the rancher said,” I’ll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK.”
The waiter replied,”Monsieur, what about the Mad Cow? ”
He said, “She’ll have a Salad and Juice.”
They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived, the rancher said,” I’ll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK.”
The waiter replied,”Monsieur, what about the Mad Cow? ”
He said, “She’ll have a Salad and Juice.”
Indecent Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
“Why, officer?” asks the blonde.
“Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.”
“Oh my goodness,” exclaims the blonde, “I left my baby on the bus!”
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
“Why, officer?” asks the blonde.
“Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.”
“Oh my goodness,” exclaims the blonde, “I left my baby on the bus!”
Daddy, What Is Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She said, “Daddy, what is sex?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
Her father said, “Why did you ask that question, honey?”
She replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex.”
She said, “Daddy, what is sex?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
Her father said, “Why did you ask that question, honey?”
She replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex.”
Hoshimota
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: “Hoshimota! Hoshimota!” He can’t quite remember what the word means, but he’s sure he’s pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can’t think anything to say but “HOSHIMOTA!” Concerned, his partner turns to him
“What do you mean it’s in the wrong hole?”
“What do you mean it’s in the wrong hole?”
A Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
“It’s a period,” said the little boy.
“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”
“Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”
“It’s a period,” said the little boy.
“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”
“Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”
Terrible News
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”
She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun.’ “
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”
She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun.’ “
Last Laugh
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax—OH MY…!”
Then silence.
Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”
Then silence.
Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”
Topless Sunbather
A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn’t care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre’d from the restaurant.
“Ma’am,” he said, “we were all wondering if you could put your top back on.”
“Why? I’m not disturbing anybody.”
“Ma’am. You’re on the one-way glass (tint glass).”
“Ma’am,” he said, “we were all wondering if you could put your top back on.”
“Why? I’m not disturbing anybody.”
“Ma’am. You’re on the one-way glass (tint glass).”
25th Wedding Anniversary
A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?
The husband replies,
All I wanted to do was screw your brains out and suck your tits dry.
What are you thinking now? the wife asks as she undresses.
The husband quickly replies: It looks like I did a pretty good job.
The husband replies,
All I wanted to do was screw your brains out and suck your tits dry.
What are you thinking now? the wife asks as she undresses.
The husband quickly replies: It looks like I did a pretty good job.
Hold Up At The Sperm Bank
A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. “Open the safe!” he yells at the girl behind the counter.
“But we’re not a real bank” replies the girl. “This is a sperm bank, we don’t hold money”.
“Don’t argue just open the safe or I’ll blow your head off!” She obliges and opens the safe door.
“Take one of the bottles and drink it!”
“But it’s full of sperm” the girl replies nervously.
“Don’t argue, just drink it” he says.
She prys off the cap and gulps it down.
“Take out another one and drink it too!” he demands.
The girl drinks another one.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl’s amazement it’s her husband…….
“Not that damn difficult, is it?” he says.
“But we’re not a real bank” replies the girl. “This is a sperm bank, we don’t hold money”.
“Don’t argue just open the safe or I’ll blow your head off!” She obliges and opens the safe door.
“Take one of the bottles and drink it!”
“But it’s full of sperm” the girl replies nervously.
“Don’t argue, just drink it” he says.
She prys off the cap and gulps it down.
“Take out another one and drink it too!” he demands.
The girl drinks another one.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl’s amazement it’s her husband…….
“Not that damn difficult, is it?” he says.
Blonde at the Doctor’s
“Please remove your blouse and bra,” says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doc says, “Big breaths.”
“Yeth,” she replies, “and I’m only thixthteen!”
When she is ready, the doc says, “Big breaths.”
“Yeth,” she replies, “and I’m only thixthteen!”
Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
“Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?”
“Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she’s been drinking.”
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
“Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?”
“Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she’s been drinking.”
Aisi Jaan
Sir: bachcho kasam khao kabhi sharab, cigarette nahi pioge, non-veg nahi khaoge.
Bachche: nahi khaenge sir.
Sir: kabhi ladkiyon ko nahi chhedoge.
Bachche: theek hai sir.
Sir: jua nahi kheloge.
Bachche: ok sir.
Sir: desh ke liye jaan bhi de doge.
Bachche: de denge sir, aisi jaan ka aur karenge bhi kya?
Bachche: nahi khaenge sir.
Sir: kabhi ladkiyon ko nahi chhedoge.
Bachche: theek hai sir.
Sir: jua nahi kheloge.
Bachche: ok sir.
Sir: desh ke liye jaan bhi de doge.
Bachche: de denge sir, aisi jaan ka aur karenge bhi kya?
Bhola jokes
1.
Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Bhola: Very long!
2.
Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well.
Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?
3.
Bhola: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Pyarelal: Me too, after u leave.
4.
Bhola: I’m a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Pyarelal: What’s he studying?”
Bhola: He’s not studying, they are studying him!
5.
Pyarelal sent sms to Bhola: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Bhola got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.
6.
Bhola: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion’s cage.
Pyarelal: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Bhola: I didn’t say he got out.
Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Bhola: Very long!
2.
Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Bhola: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well.
Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?
3.
Bhola: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Pyarelal: Me too, after u leave.
4.
Bhola: I’m a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Pyarelal: What’s he studying?”
Bhola: He’s not studying, they are studying him!
5.
Pyarelal sent sms to Bhola: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Bhola got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.
6.
Bhola: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion’s cage.
Pyarelal: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Bhola: I didn’t say he got out.
During Surgery
Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery:
“Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”
“Someone call the janitor - we’re going to need a mop.”
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
“Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”
“Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
“Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.”
“Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.”
“Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”
“Shoot, there go the lights again….”
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of them.”
“What do you mean you want a divorce?”
“Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”
“Someone call the janitor - we’re going to need a mop.”
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
“Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”
“Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
“Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.”
“Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.”
“Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”
“Shoot, there go the lights again….”
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of them.”
“What do you mean you want a divorce?”
Who is guilty…!!!
Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:
“Up!! Quick! My husband is back.”
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his back, and then realizes:
“Damn, I’m the husband!”
“Who is guilty” in this situation?
“Up!! Quick! My husband is back.”
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his back, and then realizes:
“Damn, I’m the husband!”
“Who is guilty” in this situation?
Joke
Koi apni biwi ka Antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha ki achanak bijli chamki, badal garje, jor se barish shuru hui.
Dukhi aadmi bola: lagta hai pahunch gai.
Dukhi aadmi bola: lagta hai pahunch gai.
Millionare makes Proposal
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests…I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could…the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain…which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could…the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain…which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
Mother in Law
A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!
Panic in the Woods
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
Niagara Falls
A group of tourists visit the Niagara Falls and are accompanied by a guide.
The guide says “I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing by can’t be heard!”
“Now, may I request that the ladies in the back keep quiet so that we can hear the falls!”
The guide says “I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing by can’t be heard!”
“Now, may I request that the ladies in the back keep quiet so that we can hear the falls!”
Late Phone Call
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2AM. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband asked, “Who was that?”
The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear’.”
The husband asked, “Who was that?”
The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear’.”
Kiss Per Yard
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she said as she smiled.
“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she said as she smiled.
No Christmas Gift
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
Lunch
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
Santa’s Lap
As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Don’t tell me you didn’t get my E-mail?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Don’t tell me you didn’t get my E-mail?”
College
A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
“And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.
“I don’t know,” the student said.
“Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.
“That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention anyway!”
“And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.
“I don’t know,” the student said.
“Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.
“That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention anyway!”
Historical Wife
A man complains to a friend, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend said, chuckling.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go “I still remember that time when you ….”
“What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend said, chuckling.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go “I still remember that time when you ….”
Control
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
“Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
“Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”
Secure Password
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and asked why it was so long.
“Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”
“Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”
Crazy Local
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is that man… and why is he so upset?” a passenger asks the ship’s captain.
“I have no idea,” says the captain, “but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy.”
“Who is that man… and why is he so upset?” a passenger asks the ship’s captain.
“I have no idea,” says the captain, “but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy.”
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Lipstick Problem
According to a report, a middle school was faced with a unique problem A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip print marks.
Finally the principal decided that something needs to be done. She called all the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip print marks were causing a huge problem for
the person who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. The guy took a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
Who Is God???
A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?”
“Both son. God is both.”
After a while the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”
“Both son, both.”
The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”
Punjab Airways
Wahe Guru & Good morning,
Ladies and Gentlemen:
This is your Captain James’ Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways.
We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway Dhaba.
This is flight no.9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to ——–. Landing in ——- is
not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your
village.
Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety
Standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and
hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure , I announce
that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their
destination.
For the ones that don’t quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all
the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess
Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement
policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can
turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth
pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits. For
our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you
quickly find out whether God really exists.
We regret to inform you that today’s in-flight movie will not be
shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be
flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from
the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your
viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also
put a pair of binoculars under your seat.
As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways
flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early
warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are
placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available
for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water
landings on any of our five rivers.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off
and fasten your belts. For those of you who can’t find a seat belt,
kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of
you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly
Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit
there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage
of water we require for your tea.
I won’t be flying with you today because I have to attend to my
nephew’s wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access
to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time. For an
extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur
will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain’s seat in the
cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.
Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways
Wet dreams!!!
A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
“Before it happens, do you see any dreams?” the doctor said.
“Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let’s pee.”
“OK,” the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, “No, we’ve already peed.”
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, “So? Did you do as I said?
“Yes, I did.”
“Did it help?”
“Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.”
“How?”
“As I said ‘We’ve already peed,’ the demon nodded and said, ‘Then, let’s shit a little.”
“Before it happens, do you see any dreams?” the doctor said.
“Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let’s pee.”
“OK,” the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, “No, we’ve already peed.”
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, “So? Did you do as I said?
“Yes, I did.”
“Did it help?”
“Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.”
“How?”
“As I said ‘We’ve already peed,’ the demon nodded and said, ‘Then, let’s shit a little.”
To Catch A Train
Once a villager from Punjab wanted to catch an eight o’clock train. If he takes the proper road to the station, it was a long winding way, but if he could walk through someone’s farm, it was a short-cut to the station.
So he decided to ask the owner of the farm: "Prajji, muje aath baje ki train pakdni hain. Kya main aapke khetse ja sakata hun?"
A bit upset, the farm-owner replied," Haan, haan, kyu nahi? Lekin kahin mere kutte-ne aapko dekh liya to aap saat bajewali train bhi pakad sakate ho."
So he decided to ask the owner of the farm: "Prajji, muje aath baje ki train pakdni hain. Kya main aapke khetse ja sakata hun?"
A bit upset, the farm-owner replied," Haan, haan, kyu nahi? Lekin kahin mere kutte-ne aapko dekh liya to aap saat bajewali train bhi pakad sakate ho."
Bhikari - Marwadi
BHIKARIi: Please give me 50 paise i haven’t eaten anything since two days....
MARWADI: i’ll give you 10 Rs. first tell me where do you get food in 50 paise .
MARWADI: i’ll give you 10 Rs. first tell me where do you get food in 50 paise .
Season Pass
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Coversation after death
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How’d you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that’s so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive."
"How’d you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that’s so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive."
Marwadi Joke
A Marwadi, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn’t know what it is.
Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "You have to kill these things when they’re small."
Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "You have to kill these things when they’re small."
Marwadi Joke
A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Marwadi man came up to a woman lying by the roadside.
"Have the police come yet?" the man asked.
"No," the woman moaned.
"Has the ambulance been here yet?"
"No," the injured woman repeated.
"How about the insurance company?"
"No."
"Listen," the Marwadi said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"
"Have the police come yet?" the man asked.
"No," the woman moaned.
"Has the ambulance been here yet?"
"No," the injured woman repeated.
"How about the insurance company?"
"No."
"Listen," the Marwadi said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Interviewing a General
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Queens Tea Party
Once Indra Gandhi was invited by queen elizabeth for a tea party.
Zail singh wanted to know why he would not be taken to the ocassion by indra gandhi. Indra said that he did not have any table ettiqquette but she would train him for it. After six months of rigourous training, they went to the party.
After tea the queen kept her cup upside down while indra kept it the right way. Giani was utterly confused and so he kept his cup laying on its side. After the party indra wanted to know why he had kept his cup that way.
He asked the reason for her keeping the cup the right way and the queen keeping it upside down. She said "i wanted more tea and the queen didn’t."
Why did you keep the cup on its side? Giani thought for a moment and said "my message was - agar chai hai to de do nai to koi gal nahin."
Zail singh wanted to know why he would not be taken to the ocassion by indra gandhi. Indra said that he did not have any table ettiqquette but she would train him for it. After six months of rigourous training, they went to the party.
After tea the queen kept her cup upside down while indra kept it the right way. Giani was utterly confused and so he kept his cup laying on its side. After the party indra wanted to know why he had kept his cup that way.
He asked the reason for her keeping the cup the right way and the queen keeping it upside down. She said "i wanted more tea and the queen didn’t."
Why did you keep the cup on its side? Giani thought for a moment and said "my message was - agar chai hai to de do nai to koi gal nahin."
Professor
A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you’re 44.."
The Professor said "You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he’s 22, and he’s half nuts......."
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you’re 44.."
The Professor said "You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he’s 22, and he’s half nuts......."
Talking Parrot
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.
He’s always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
He’s always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
What does the Bible Mean
What does the Bible Mean
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?’"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That’s easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’"
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?’"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That’s easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’"
Special Ring!!!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring
and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don’t think you understand,
I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring
and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don’t think you understand,
I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".
Chance of recovery
Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records sho! w
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the
tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records sho! w
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the
tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.
Teacher Joke
Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.
Teacher Joke
Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.
Student : “Brotherly love”.
Bad News
Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.
Teacher Joke
Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.
Teacher Joke
Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.
Pupil : “A teacher”.
Passionate Kiss
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
Quick Laughs
Q: What’s the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious.
A: The ones in the casinos are serious.
Parrot and Mango
Part 1
A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ‘Aam hai kya?’
The shopkeeper says ‘Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte.’
Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ’Aam hai kya ?’
He gets a little irritated and says ‘Aare Bola na, Hum ‘Aam nahi Bechte’
On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him ‘Aam hai kya ?’
He gets wild and yells ’Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to hathoda marunga sar ke upar’
The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..’hathoda hai kya?’
The shopkeeper says ‘Nahi’
The parrot then asks ‘Aam hai kya ?’
Part 2
The next day parrot again goes to shopkeeper and asks "Aam hai kya??"
The shopkeeper is ready now......
He quickly pulls a hammer and hitz the parrot on the face.
The parrot looses all his teeth
But determined, parrot again goes 2 the shopkeeper next day n asks
"AAM KA JUICE HAI KYA???"
A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ‘Aam hai kya?’
The shopkeeper says ‘Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte.’
Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ’Aam hai kya ?’
He gets a little irritated and says ‘Aare Bola na, Hum ‘Aam nahi Bechte’
On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him ‘Aam hai kya ?’
He gets wild and yells ’Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to hathoda marunga sar ke upar’
The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..’hathoda hai kya?’
The shopkeeper says ‘Nahi’
The parrot then asks ‘Aam hai kya ?’
Part 2
The next day parrot again goes to shopkeeper and asks "Aam hai kya??"
The shopkeeper is ready now......
He quickly pulls a hammer and hitz the parrot on the face.
The parrot looses all his teeth
But determined, parrot again goes 2 the shopkeeper next day n asks
"AAM KA JUICE HAI KYA???"
Airline joke
Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
T-Shirt Collection
-Death is the greatest kick of all. That’s why they save it for last.
-Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
-Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
-Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.
-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they have been taken out & shot.
-How can I love you if you won’t lie down?
-I am not going deaf. I am ignoring you.
-I can tell you’re lying. Your lips are moving.
-It’s hard to soar like an eagle when you’re surrounded by turkeys.
-It’s better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
-If you can’t dazzle ‘em with brilliance, baffle ‘em with bullshit.
-Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
-Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
-Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.
-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they have been taken out & shot.
-How can I love you if you won’t lie down?
-I am not going deaf. I am ignoring you.
-I can tell you’re lying. Your lips are moving.
-It’s hard to soar like an eagle when you’re surrounded by turkeys.
-It’s better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
-If you can’t dazzle ‘em with brilliance, baffle ‘em with bullshit.
Huge Toilet
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are biggg!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are biggg!" The bartender replied, "Everything is biggg in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was!!. The bartender answered, "Second door from right, sir." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead he entered the third door, which lead to the huge swimming pool and fell into the pool accidently.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Please Don’t flush, please don’t flush!"
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are biggg!" The bartender replied, "Everything is biggg in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was!!. The bartender answered, "Second door from right, sir." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead he entered the third door, which lead to the huge swimming pool and fell into the pool accidently.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Please Don’t flush, please don’t flush!"
16 questions to make you think
1. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
2. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
3. What’s another word for thesaurus?
4. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
5. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
6. Why do kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
7. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
8. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
9. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
10. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
11. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
12. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
13. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
14. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
15. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
2. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
3. What’s another word for thesaurus?
4. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
5. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
6. Why do kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
7. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
8. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
9. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
10. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
11. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
12. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
13. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
14. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
15. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Jail Vs. Work
PRISON..... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
WORK ..... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.
PRISON..... you get three meals a day.
WORK..... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
PRISON..... you get time off for good behavior
WORK..... you get more work for good behavior
PRISON..... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
WORK..... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
PRISON..... you can watch TV and play games.
WORK..... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
PRISON..... you get your own toilet.
WORK..... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
PRISON..... they allow your family and friends to visit.
WORK..... you can’t even speak to your family.
PRISON..... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
WORK..... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
PRISON..... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
WORK..... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
PRISON..... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
WORK..... they are called managers.
WORK ..... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.
PRISON..... you get three meals a day.
WORK..... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
PRISON..... you get time off for good behavior
WORK..... you get more work for good behavior
PRISON..... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
WORK..... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
PRISON..... you can watch TV and play games.
WORK..... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
PRISON..... you get your own toilet.
WORK..... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
PRISON..... they allow your family and friends to visit.
WORK..... you can’t even speak to your family.
PRISON..... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
WORK..... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
PRISON..... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
WORK..... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
PRISON..... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
WORK..... they are called managers.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Newly Weds
A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris.
A couple had been married for only two weeks when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, Honey, I'll be right back.
Where are you going, Coochy Coo? asked the wife
I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer.
The wife said, you want a beer, my love? She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, Yes, Lollipop....but at the bar....you know....they
have frozen glasses.
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious.....I won't be long. I'll be right back, I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh? She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken
wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and pork strips.
But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that....
You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR GODDAM BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR F---ING HORS D'OEURVES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR, THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?
and, they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story?
A couple had been married for only two weeks when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, Honey, I'll be right back.
Where are you going, Coochy Coo? asked the wife
I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer.
The wife said, you want a beer, my love? She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, Yes, Lollipop....but at the bar....you know....they
have frozen glasses.
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious.....I won't be long. I'll be right back, I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh? She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken
wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and pork strips.
But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that....
You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR GODDAM BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR F---ING HORS D'OEURVES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR, THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?
and, they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story?
C-141
A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Perfectly Good Aircraft
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."
Little Johnny's Father
Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - -
Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offers really good he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He's actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!"
Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offers really good he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He's actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!"
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
War Wound
A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!
"War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!
"War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"
Change of Underwear
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."
The troops started cheering at the news.
"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."
The troops started cheering at the news.
"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
I am a Father
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father"
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way".
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father"
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way".
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".
A Stuck Army Jeep
During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
Monday, July 31, 2006
Christ in the Bathroom
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
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