Sunday, September 17, 2006

Punjab Airways

Wahe Guru & Good morning,

Ladies and Gentlemen:

This is your Captain James’ Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways.

We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway Dhaba.

This is flight no.9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to ——–. Landing in ——- is
not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your
village.

Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety
Standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and
hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure , I announce
that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their
destination.

For the ones that don’t quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all
the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess
Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement
policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can
turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth
pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits. For
our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you
quickly find out whether God really exists.

We regret to inform you that today’s in-flight movie will not be
shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be
flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from
the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your
viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also
put a pair of binoculars under your seat.

As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways
flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early
warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are
placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available
for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water
landings on any of our five rivers.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off
and fasten your belts. For those of you who can’t find a seat belt,
kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of
you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly
Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit
there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage
of water we require for your tea.

I won’t be flying with you today because I have to attend to my
nephew’s wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access
to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time. For an
extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur
will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain’s seat in the
cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.

Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways

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