Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Interviewing a General

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Queens Tea Party

Once Indra Gandhi was invited by queen elizabeth for a tea party.

Zail singh wanted to know why he would not be taken to the ocassion by indra gandhi. Indra said that he did not have any table ettiqquette but she would train him for it. After six months of rigourous training, they went to the party.

After tea the queen kept her cup upside down while indra kept it the right way. Giani was utterly confused and so he kept his cup laying on its side. After the party indra wanted to know why he had kept his cup that way.

He asked the reason for her keeping the cup the right way and the queen keeping it upside down. She said "i wanted more tea and the queen didn’t."

Why did you keep the cup on its side? Giani thought for a moment and said "my message was - agar chai hai to de do nai to koi gal nahin."


A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you’re 44.."

The Professor said "You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he’s 22, and he’s half nuts......."

Talking Parrot

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.

He’s always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.

The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

What does the Bible Mean

What does the Bible Mean

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?’"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That’s easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’"

Special Ring!!!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring
and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don’t think you understand,
I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

Chance of recovery

Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”

Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records sho! w
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the
tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

Teacher Joke

Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”

Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

Teacher Joke

Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”

Student : “Brotherly love”.

Bad News

Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”

David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

Teacher Joke

Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”

Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.

Teacher : “What do you mean?”

Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.

Teacher : “What about your mother?”

Sam : “She’s a woman”.

Teacher Joke

Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”

Pupil : “A teacher”.

Passionate Kiss

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Quick Laughs

Q: What’s the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

A: The ones in the casinos are serious.

Parrot and Mango

Part 1

A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ‘Aam hai kya?’

The shopkeeper says ‘Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte.’

Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ’Aam hai kya ?’

He gets a little irritated and says ‘Aare Bola na, Hum ‘Aam nahi Bechte’

On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him ‘Aam hai kya ?’

He gets wild and yells ’Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to hathoda marunga sar ke upar’

The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..’hathoda hai kya?’

The shopkeeper says ‘Nahi’

The parrot then asks ‘Aam hai kya ?’

Part 2

The next day parrot again goes to shopkeeper and asks "Aam hai kya??"

The shopkeeper is ready now......
He quickly pulls a hammer and hitz the parrot on the face.
The parrot looses all his teeth
But determined, parrot again goes 2 the shopkeeper next day n asks


Airline joke

Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

T-Shirt Collection

-Death is the greatest kick of all. That’s why they save it for last.

-Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

-Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.

-Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.

-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they have been taken out & shot.

-How can I love you if you won’t lie down?

-I am not going deaf. I am ignoring you.

-I can tell you’re lying. Your lips are moving.

-It’s hard to soar like an eagle when you’re surrounded by turkeys.

-It’s better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

-If you can’t dazzle ‘em with brilliance, baffle ‘em with bullshit.

Huge Toilet

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are biggg!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are biggg!" The bartender replied, "Everything is biggg in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was!!. The bartender answered, "Second door from right, sir." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead he entered the third door, which lead to the huge swimming pool and fell into the pool accidently.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Please Don’t flush, please don’t flush!"

16 questions to make you think

1. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
2. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
3. What’s another word for thesaurus?
4. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
5. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
6. Why do kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
7. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
8. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
9. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
10. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
11. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
12. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
13. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
14. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
15. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Jail Vs. Work

PRISON..... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
WORK ..... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.

PRISON..... you get three meals a day.
WORK..... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

PRISON..... you get time off for good behavior
WORK..... you get more work for good behavior

PRISON..... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
WORK..... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

PRISON..... you can watch TV and play games.
WORK..... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

PRISON..... you get your own toilet.
WORK..... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

PRISON..... they allow your family and friends to visit.
WORK..... you can’t even speak to your family.

PRISON..... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
WORK..... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

PRISON..... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
WORK..... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

PRISON..... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
WORK..... they are called managers.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Newly Weds

A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris.

A couple had been married for only two weeks when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, Honey, I'll be right back.

Where are you going, Coochy Coo? asked the wife
I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer.

The wife said, you want a beer, my love? She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, Yes, Lollipop....but at the know....they
have frozen glasses.

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious.....I won't be long. I'll be right back, I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh? She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken
wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and pork strips.

But my sweet the know there's swearing, dirty words and all that....

and, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?


A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Perfectly Good Aircraft

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

Little Johnny's Father

Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - -

Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offers really good he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "He's actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!"

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

War Wound

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asks.

"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"

Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!

"What the hell is that?"

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!

"War wound??"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck"

Change of Underwear

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."

The troops started cheering at the news.

"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I am a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father"

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way".

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".

A Stuck Army Jeep

During an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."