A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Marwadi man came up to a woman lying by the roadside.
"Have the police come yet?" the man asked.
"No," the woman moaned.
"Has the ambulance been here yet?"
"No," the injured woman repeated.
"How about the insurance company?"
"No."
"Listen," the Marwadi said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"
A Marwadi, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "You have to kill these things when they're small."
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "
How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
BHIKARIi: Please give me 50 paise i haven't eaten anything since two days....
MARWADI: i'll give you 10 Rs. first tell me where do you get food in 50 paise .
Once a villager from Punjab wanted to catch an eight o'clock train. If he takes the proper road to the station, it was a long winding way, but if he could walk through someone's farm, it was a short-cut to the station.
So he decided to ask the owner of the farm: " Prajji, muje aath baje ki train pakdni hain. Kya main aapke khetse ja sakata hun?"
A bit upset, the farm-owner replied," Ha, ha, kyu nahi? Lekin kahin mere kutte-ne aapko dekh liya to aap saat bajewali train bhi pakad sakate ho."
A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor said.
"Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee."
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, "No, we've already peed."
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So? Did you do as I said?
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?"
"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little."
Wahe Guru & Good morning,
Ladies and Gentlemen:
This is your Captain James' Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways.
We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway Dhaba.
This is flight no.9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to --------. Landing in ------- is not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your village.
Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety Standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure , I announce that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their destination.
For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits. For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you quickly find out whether God really exists.
We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also put a pair of binoculars under your seat.
As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water landings on any of our five rivers.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage of water we require for your tea.
I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend to my nephew's wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time. For an extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain's seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.
Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
According to a report, a middle school was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they
would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
print marks.
Finally the principal decided that something needs to be done. She called
all the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance
man.
She explained that all these lip print marks were causing a huge problem for
the person who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate
how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy
to clean one of them. The guy took a long handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
PRISON......you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
WORK ...... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.
PRISON......you get three meals a day.
WORK......you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
PRISON......you get time off for good behavior
WORK......you get more work for good behavior
PRISON......the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
WORK......you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
PRISON......you can watch TV and play games.
WORK......you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
PRISON......you get your own toilet.
WORK......you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
PRISON......they allow your family and friends to visit.
WORK......you can't even speak to your family.
PRISON......the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
WORK......you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
PRISON......you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
WORK......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
PRISON......you must deal with sadistic wardens.
WORK......they are called managers.
1. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
2. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
3. What's another word for thesaurus?
4. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
5. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
6. Why do kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
7. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
8. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
9. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
10. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
11. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
12. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
13. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
14. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
15. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are biggg!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are biggg!" The bartender replied, "Everything is biggg in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was!!. The bartender answered, "Second door from right, sir." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead he entered the third door, which lead to the huge swimming pool and fell into the pool accidently.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Please Don't flush, please don't flush!"
-Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
-Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
-Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
-Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they have been taken out & shot.
-How can I love you if you won't lie down?
-I am not going deaf. I am ignoring you.
-I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
-It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
-It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
-If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Part 1
A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ... 'Aam hai kya?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte.'
Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ...'Aam
hai kya ?'
He gets a little irritated and says... 'Aare Bola na, Hum 'Aam nahi
Bechte'
On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him 'Aam hai kya ?'
He gets wild and yells ...'Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to hathoda
marunga sar ke upar'
The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..'hathoda hai kya
?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi'
The parrot then asks ... 'Aam hai kya ?'
Part 2
The next day parrot again goes to shopkeeper and asks
"Aam hai kya??"
The shopkeeper is ready now....
He quickly pulls a hammer and hitz the parrot on the face.
The parrot looses all his teeth
But determined, parrot again goes 2 the shopkeeper next day n asks
"AAM KA JUICE HAI KYA???"
Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".
