According to a report, a middle school was faced with a unique problem A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip print marks.
Finally the principal decided that something needs to be done. She called all the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip print marks were causing a huge problem for
the person who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. The guy took a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Lipstick Problem
Who Is God???
“Both son. God is both.”
After a while the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”
“Both son, both.”
The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”
Punjab Airways
Wahe Guru & Good morning,
Ladies and Gentlemen:
This is your Captain James’ Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways.
We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway Dhaba.
This is flight no.9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to ——–. Landing in ——- is
not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your
village.
Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety
Standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and
hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure , I announce
that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their
destination.
For the ones that don’t quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all
the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess
Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement
policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can
turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth
pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits. For
our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you
quickly find out whether God really exists.
We regret to inform you that today’s in-flight movie will not be
shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be
flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from
the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your
viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also
put a pair of binoculars under your seat.
As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways
flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early
warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are
placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available
for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water
landings on any of our five rivers.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off
and fasten your belts. For those of you who can’t find a seat belt,
kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of
you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly
Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit
there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage
of water we require for your tea.
I won’t be flying with you today because I have to attend to my
nephew’s wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access
to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time. For an
extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur
will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain’s seat in the
cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.
Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways
Wet dreams!!!
“Before it happens, do you see any dreams?” the doctor said.
“Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let’s pee.”
“OK,” the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, “No, we’ve already peed.”
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, “So? Did you do as I said?
“Yes, I did.”
“Did it help?”
“Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.”
“How?”
“As I said ‘We’ve already peed,’ the demon nodded and said, ‘Then, let’s shit a little.”
To Catch A Train
So he decided to ask the owner of the farm: "Prajji, muje aath baje ki train pakdni hain. Kya main aapke khetse ja sakata hun?"
A bit upset, the farm-owner replied," Haan, haan, kyu nahi? Lekin kahin mere kutte-ne aapko dekh liya to aap saat bajewali train bhi pakad sakate ho."
Bhikari - Marwadi
MARWADI: i’ll give you 10 Rs. first tell me where do you get food in 50 paise .
Season Pass
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Coversation after death
"How’d you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that’s so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive."
Marwadi Joke
Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "You have to kill these things when they’re small."
Marwadi Joke
"Have the police come yet?" the man asked.
"No," the woman moaned.
"Has the ambulance been here yet?"
"No," the injured woman repeated.
"How about the insurance company?"
"No."
"Listen," the Marwadi said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Interviewing a General
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Queens Tea Party
Zail singh wanted to know why he would not be taken to the ocassion by indra gandhi. Indra said that he did not have any table ettiqquette but she would train him for it. After six months of rigourous training, they went to the party.
After tea the queen kept her cup upside down while indra kept it the right way. Giani was utterly confused and so he kept his cup laying on its side. After the party indra wanted to know why he had kept his cup that way.
He asked the reason for her keeping the cup the right way and the queen keeping it upside down. She said "i wanted more tea and the queen didn’t."
Why did you keep the cup on its side? Giani thought for a moment and said "my message was - agar chai hai to de do nai to koi gal nahin."
Professor
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you’re 44.."
The Professor said "You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he’s 22, and he’s half nuts......."
Talking Parrot
He’s always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
What does the Bible Mean
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?’"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That’s easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’"
Special Ring!!!
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring
and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don’t think you understand,
I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".
Chance of recovery
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records sho! w
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the
tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.
Teacher Joke
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.
Teacher Joke
Student : “Brotherly love”.