Fire Truck

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire
department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the
truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1,000. A
local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

Famous Ganpat

Ganpat is a Maharashtrian...! Ganpat was bragging to his boss one day,
"You know,I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,Ganpat how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Ganpat and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom cruise shouts,"Ganu! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join! me for lunch!".

Although impressed, Ganpat's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ganpat that he thinks Ganpat's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else",Ganpat says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Ganpat says, "I know him, let's fly Out to Washington." And off they go. At the WhiteHouse, Clinton spots Ganpat on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ganu, what a surprise, I! was just on my way to a meeting, but you and yourfriend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ganpat who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope,"his boss replies. "Sure!" says Ganpat. "I have a lot of friends in Poland, and I've known the Pope along time." So off they fly to Rome. Ganpat and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ganpat says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope. So he disappears into the crowd,headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Ganpat emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Ganpat returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramed! ics. Working his way to his boss' side, Ganpat asks him, what happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on
the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Ganpat?

The Kissing Family

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy felt like kissing her. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"....................
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you .. "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it.

Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, or any one else in the family, but for God's sake and all of ours..."

"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!"

Who is guilty...!!!

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:

"Up!! Quick! My husband is back."

Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his back, and then realizes:

"Damn, I'm the husband!"

“Who is guilty” in this situation?

Koi apni biwi ka Antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha ki achanak bijli chamki, badal garje, jor se barish shuru hui. Dukhi aadmi bola: lagta hai pahunch gai.

During Surgery

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Shoot, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

"What do you mean you want a divorce?"

Crazy Local

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the ship's captain.

"I have no idea," says the captain, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

Secure Password

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Historical Wife

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."

"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"

"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.

"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...."

College

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

Santa's Lap

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Don't tell me you didn't get my E-mail?"

Lunch

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

No Christmas Gift

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Kiss Per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she said as she smiled.

Late Phone Call

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2AM. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband asked, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

Niagara Falls

A group of tourists visit the Niagara Falls and are accompanied by a guide.

The guide says "I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard!"

"Now, may I request that the ladies in the back keep quiet so that we can hear the falls!"

Panic in the Woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Mother in Law

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

Millionare makes Proposal

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!