Taking an online course for to get over my internet addiction.
Monday, January 19, 2015
पति और पतंग
एक सहेली ...ऐसा क्यों लगता है कि पति और पतंग में कोई खास फर्क नहीं होता ?
.
दुसरी सहेली ...क्योंकि दोनों को जहां थोड़ी ढ़ील दी कि दोनों इधर उधर उड़ने लगते हैं!
.
दुसरी सहेली ...क्योंकि दोनों को जहां थोड़ी ढ़ील दी कि दोनों इधर उधर उड़ने लगते हैं!
Sigh! :(
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia and Google came out.
Shocking History Lesson!
Kids in the North Indian schools got a shock in their History class when they realized that "BC" actually means "Before Christ"!
Play Date!
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife's friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Smarter Than Her
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart. FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so
I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her
new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Readers Digest
Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962), came across this reprint from the Washington News and found it quite interesting considering our current debates!
The Quote:
Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation:
"Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."
The Quote:
Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation:
"Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."
Maths Homework
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
Chicken Little
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
Mating Positions
What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
What is the height of Mixed Emotion?
Ur Mother-In-Law Falls from 7th Floor on your brand new Mercedes & you dont know whether to laugh or cry........
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Pope's Blessings
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
Gas & Religion
In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor.
A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug out.
Do you want a bed near the window?
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor.
A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug out.
Do you want a bed near the window?
Thoughts for the Day
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Procrastinate Now!
I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you
may have to eat them.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Procrastinate Now!
I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you
may have to eat them.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
Ultrasonic Waves
A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Your date running late?'
'No, no...', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The woman, intrigued, asks: 'Wow! A state-of-the-art watch? So, what's special about it?'
'Well, it uses ultrasonic waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'Interesting...so what's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast!'
The woman notices this and asks, 'Your date running late?'
'No, no...', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The woman, intrigued, asks: 'Wow! A state-of-the-art watch? So, what's special about it?'
'Well, it uses ultrasonic waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'Interesting...so what's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast!'
Frog and the Engineer
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Golden Years
An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up the younger ladies.
He went to the local bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said, "Where have you been all my life?"
The young lady takes one glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
He went to the local bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said, "Where have you been all my life?"
The young lady takes one glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
Observation
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
Mischievous Boys
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
Spare Dollars
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
Men's Rules
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really.
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
football or tanks.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.
23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."
24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.
25.No talking at the urinal.
26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.
27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."
28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.
29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
30.Real men don't dance.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really.
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
football or tanks.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.
23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."
24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.
25.No talking at the urinal.
26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.
27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."
28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.
29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
30.Real men don't dance.
Sixth Sense
Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?
In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces.
That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower!
In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces.
That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower!
Crabs
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female
crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the
intercom to the
entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never
learn!
crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the
intercom to the
entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans ,
please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never
learn!
Guide to Dating
Find out what those dating terms really mean
ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as
swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and
dating repulsive men.
EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of
a man.
EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they
are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have
difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located
in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do
all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months
together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as
swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and
dating repulsive men.
EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of
a man.
EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they
are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have
difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located
in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do
all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months
together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Dedicated Husband
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
Insurance Salesman
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple get married.
She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten."
"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting... Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"
She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten."
"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting... Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"
Restroom Talk
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'
New Book
I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.
"I just can't put it down."
I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn't buy it it just appeared....
I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic's book...
I was going to buy "The power of Positive Thought", but what's the point..
I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but I
couldn't be bothered to go to the store and buy it.
I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your garden
but it was full of crap.
I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of until
tomorrow....or maybe the day after.
I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.
"I just can't put it down."
I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn't buy it it just appeared....
I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic's book...
I was going to buy "The power of Positive Thought", but what's the point..
I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but I
couldn't be bothered to go to the store and buy it.
I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your garden
but it was full of crap.
I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of until
tomorrow....or maybe the day after.
I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.
Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal,'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie',
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians !
It creates a hostile work environment.
'Thou Shalt Not Steal,'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie',
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians !
It creates a hostile work environment.
Women's T-shirt Slogans
Next mood swing: 6 minutes
I hate everybody, you're next.
And your point is.............?
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?
You have the right to remain silent so please use it!
If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.
I hate everybody, you're next.
And your point is.............?
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?
You have the right to remain silent so please use it!
If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.
Race Horses
I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of
stamps featuring american racehorses.
This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a
horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it
loses it gets put on the back!
stamps featuring american racehorses.
This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a
horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it
loses it gets put on the back!
Lovemaking Tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
(This was sent in large type so you can read it.)
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
(This was sent in large type so you can read it.)
Friday, October 13, 2006
Things toddlers eat....
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Little Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags,
one in each hand.
There’s a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of
it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can find
some of them. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you
steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into
my flower beds!” So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: ‘$20 or off
it comes!’ ”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “Good luck!” By the way, what’s in the
other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “Not all of them pay.”
one in each hand.
There’s a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of
it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can find
some of them. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you
steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into
my flower beds!” So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: ‘$20 or off
it comes!’ ”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “Good luck!” By the way, what’s in the
other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “Not all of them pay.”
Laws of Physics
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Laws of Physics
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making It.
Little Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags,
one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of
it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find
some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you
steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into
my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off
it comes!' "
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the
other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of
it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find
some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you
steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into
my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off
it comes!' "
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the
other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
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