Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Bhola: Very long!
Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well.
Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?
Bhola: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Pyarelal: Me too, after u leave.
Bhola: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Pyarelal: What's he studying?"
Bhola: He's not studying, they are studying him!
Pyarelal sent sms to Bhola: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Bhola got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.
Bhola: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Pyarelal: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Bhola: I didn't say he got out.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Sir: bachcho kasam khao kabhi sharab, cigarette nahi pioge, non-veg nahi khaoge.
Bachche: nahi khaenge sir.
Sir: kabhi ladkiyon ko nahi chhedoge.
Bachche: theek hai sir.
Sir: jua nahi kheloge.
Bachche: ok sir.
Sir: desh ke liye jaan bhi de doge.
Bachche: de denge sir, aisi jaan ka aur karenge bhi kya?
Friday, May 26, 2006
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."
"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She prys off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.
The girl drinks another one.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says.
The husband replies,
All I wanted to do was screw your brains out and suck your tits dry.
What are you thinking now? the wife asks as she undresses.
The husband quickly replies: It looks like I did a pretty good job.
"Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."
"Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."
"Ma'am. You're on the one-way glass (tint glass)."
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Friday, May 19, 2006
"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"
She said, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
Her father said, "Why did you ask that question, honey?"
She replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex."
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK."
The waiter replied,"Monsieur, what about the Mad Cow? "
He said, "She'll have a Salad and Juice."
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"
The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."
And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
Monday, May 15, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebRate."
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, "Tell him,... that there,...is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Monday, May 08, 2006
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
Friday, May 05, 2006
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Thursday, May 04, 2006
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
They settle in, start some light petting, and the American says, "In America, we call this hamburger."
The gal says, "Yah, yah, vee call dis hamburger in Svedin, too."
The movie continues, and they go a little further. The American says, "Now, in America, we call this pastrami."
The gal says, "Yah, yah, vee call dis pastrami in Svedin, too."
They decide to leave the movie and go park the car. They get in the back seat and really go at it.
Afterward, the American says, "In America, we call this a sandwich."
The gal says, "Yah, yah, vee call dis a sandvich in Svedin, too. Only we put a little more meat in it."
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North!
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course!
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense."
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot:
"Let's go, take off".
As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can".
Incredulous, the pilot says: "You want me to fly over that fire?"
"Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!"
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says: "You're not the flight instructor?"
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance!"
You're next.'They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered, "Yeah, three males and two females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference?
He answered, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."
department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the
truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1,000. A
local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
Monday, May 01, 2006
Ganpat is a Maharashtrian...! Ganpat was bragging to his boss one day,
"You know,I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,Ganpat how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Ganpat and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom cruise shouts,"Ganu! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join! me for lunch!".
Although impressed, Ganpat's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ganpat that he thinks Ganpat's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else",Ganpat says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Ganpat says, "I know him, let's fly Out to Washington." And off they go. At the WhiteHouse, Clinton spots Ganpat on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ganu, what a surprise, I! was just on my way to a meeting, but you and yourfriend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ganpat who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope,"his boss replies. "Sure!" says Ganpat. "I have a lot of friends in Poland, and I've known the Pope along time." So off they fly to Rome. Ganpat and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ganpat says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope. So he disappears into the crowd,headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Ganpat emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Ganpat returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramed! ics. Working his way to his boss' side, Ganpat asks him, what happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on
the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Ganpat?
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"....................
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you .. "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it.
Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, or any one else in the family, but for God's sake and all of ours..."
"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!"