Friday, January 27, 2006

Jail Vs. Work spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
WORK ...... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle. get three meals a day. only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. get time off for good behavior get more work for good behavior

PRISON......the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. can watch TV and play games. get fired for watching TV and playing games. get your own toilet. have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

PRISON......they allow your family and friends to visit. can't even speak to your family.

PRISON......the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. must deal with sadistic wardens.
WORK......they are called managers.

16 questions to make you think

1. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
2. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
3. What's another word for thesaurus?
4. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
5. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
6. Why do kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
7. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
8. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
9. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
10. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
11. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
12. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
13. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
14. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
15. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Huge Toilet

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are biggg!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are biggg!" The bartender replied, "Everything is biggg in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was!!. The bartender answered, "Second door from right, sir." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead he entered the third door, which lead to the huge swimming pool and fell into the pool accidently.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Please Don't flush, please don't flush!"

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

T-Shirt Collection

-Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.

-Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

-Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

-Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they have been taken out & shot.

-How can I love you if you won't lie down?

-I am not going deaf. I am ignoring you.

-I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

-It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

-It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

-If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

Airline joke

Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Friday, January 20, 2006

Parrot and Mango

Part 1

A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ... 'Aam hai kya?'

The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte.'

Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ...'Aam
hai kya ?'

He gets a little irritated and says... 'Aare Bola na, Hum 'Aam nahi

On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him 'Aam hai kya ?'

He gets wild and yells ...'Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to hathoda
marunga sar ke upar'

The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..'hathoda hai kya

The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi'

The parrot then asks ... 'Aam hai kya ?'

Part 2

The next day parrot again goes to shopkeeper and asks
"Aam hai kya??"

The shopkeeper is ready now....
He quickly pulls a hammer and hitz the parrot on the face.
The parrot looses all his teeth
But determined, parrot again goes 2 the shopkeeper next day n asks


Quick Laughs

Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

A: The ones in the casinos are serious.

Special Ring!!!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records sho! w that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Heart Broken

It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law.

Anyway... One day all the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong.

A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.

The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave, On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-on-law died.

The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular one was more heart broken than the rest.

Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried.

Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her, "Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?"

The woman sobbing uncontrollably replied... "No, she missed the bus!"

Santa and banta in a football stadium

Santa: paaji yeh log ball se kya kar rahe hain?
Banta: goal kar rahe hain!!!
Santa: "lekin paaji ball toh pehle se gol hain , aur kitni gol karenge!!!!!!!!!"

Santa's Wish

When i die, i wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving.

What does the Bible Mean

What does the Bible Mean

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?'"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

Talking Parrot

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.

He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.

The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"


A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts......"

Queens Tea Party

Once Indra Gandhi was invited by queen elizabeth for a tea party.

Zail singh wanted to know why he would not be taken to the ocassion by indra gandhi. Indra said that he did not have any table ettiqquette but she would train him for it. After six months of rigourous training, they went to the party.

After tea the queen kept her cup upside down while indra kept it the right way. Giani was utterly confused and so he kept his cup laying on its side. After the party indra wanted to know why he had kept his cup that way.

He asked the reason for her keeping the cup the right way and the queen keeping it upside down. She said "i wanted more tea and the queen didn't."

Why did you keep the cup on its side? Giani thought for a moment and said "my message was - agar chai hai to de do nai to koi gal nahin."

Quote of the decade...

A poor, ill educated man created a billion dollar Reliance Industry.

Two business graduates from Stanford and Wharton Business School, are busy breaking it up.